The Eye of the Storm

It amazes me how things work out. It's like a song I love called He Did It For My Good. It takes about how the devil sets things in motion to cause you pain but how turns them into things that bring you joy. That's how I feel right now. There are people in my life that seem to be doing every thing to make my life as difficult as possible, whether they are unconscious of the fact the devil is using them or willing participates in his plan to fuck me over, I don't know and frankly I don't care, the end results still the same. However, recently I have gained focus and a sense of calm I have been severely lacking. The period of undeserved professional exile has energized and given me prospective of what I want and what's important to me, two things I disparately needed. I know that it sounds like I've discovered a new enlightened path or changed religions but really all I've done it get in touch with someone I had lost contact with for a long while: Me. The days of being a spectator of my own life are over. It's time to make things happen, not wait for them.

It Has Begun

I took a small step toward me new goal last night and had a lot of fun in the process. Working with women should be a positive enriching experience although my past interactions have proved to the contrary I am no the less hopeful for the future. I pray that power doesn't turn me into a backstabbing, two-face, lying, hateful, self hating insecure raging bitch like ones I have the the misfortune of working with in the past.

Things Will Get Better

I am starting to feel optimistic for the first time in a long time about my future. I think I have a great and achievable plan. Might take a while to see in come to fruition but it is in the works and I have to say that I am so excited. I my finally get to do work that I am proud of and that I'm good at while at the same time helping those who need it and I have to say that the prospect of accomplishing that feels fucking assume. It's going to be a lot of work but the thought of it makes me smile and I am loving it.

What's New

It's been a while since I posted anything. Life and all that. What's been going on with me you ask? Or better yet what's been on my mind? A whole heel of a lot. I'm really to make a big change but I don't know exactly what I want that change to be. Although I know one thing for sure. I am defiantly ready for a career move. I don't mind my job all that much actually. It's the kind of organization I work for. They talk a good game about their mission and hopes for the future but its all about not making waves, pissing people off, hurting feeling and let us not forget kissing the right ass. None of which I'm particularly good at. I want to my work to matter. I want to be apart of something that's going to leave a mark. I want that I can't wait to get to work feeling and at the end of a long day, filled with all kinds of confusions and frustrations, when I'm dead on my feet, I want a warm satisfied feeling of pride that I did my best and more importantly, I loved doing it. Now some people say that you're suppose to bring all that to work with you and I agree to a point. But what they don't say is that depending on who you working with and for, all that optimism can be sucked right out of you and you end up like the rest of the "do just a enough to get by" employees: the people who have made so many personal and professional compromises, slowly chipping away at who they were, so that alls left is a shadow, a hollow shell of the people they use to be. I refuse to end up empty, unfulfilled and so so. Maybe I want to much...... Naaaa. Wanting is what keeps you moving forward. it's the thing that feeds dreams. It's the fuel that keeps the fires of hope burning and what would a world be without hope? Hope can change to course of lives. It can change hearts and minds and best of it's completely free. So no matter what you go through, however hard it gets don't ever let anyone or thing take away your Hope.

Whats

Why do people expect others to conform to their ideas of decent or proper? I respect someone who has the courage to speak what's on their mind and the confidence to defend their point of view, whatever it may be. I may not always agree with it (chances are I won't) but at least I'll respect your point of view and the passion you exude to uphold it. I work with a group of people who are so afraid of pissing each other off, no one will say what they really mean or think about anything and in situations like that nothing will ever change, at least not for the better. And I'm not saying that fear doesn't have it's place. It can keep you from doing stupid and dangerous things but to much can keep you from doing ANYTHING at all. That's no way to live. People tell me to just go with the flow, keep my head down and just shuffle through it, that it's the easiest way to survive. I happen to believe ,however, that there's a thin line between being meek and passive and being weak and cowardly.

Hello

This is my first ever blog. Why you ask. Well I was sitting in my living room thinking about the current state of my life and wondering what the hell I'm doing. Why am I here? What am I really suppose to be doing with my life? What can I do to change my status? Start A Blog. How will this help me you ask. I'll be glad to tell you...well, as soon as I figure it out. All I know is that a lot of crazy shit goes through my mind on a regular basis and I don't always feel comfortable sharing the inner most secrets from the dark recesses of my mind with my family and friends because quite frankly I would like to keep them as my family and friend. So I guess this blog is a way for my to say out loud what usually only spoken in my minds internal monologue. So, if you feel like me and just want to let what's inside out, blog away. By the way, I'm pretty open minded when it comes to pretty much everything so just about no topic is off limits. And if anyone crosses a line I'll be sure to let it be known.