I had an idea recently about a possible venture opportunity. I think it just might work but I don't want to jinks it by saying to much just yet. I will however report that I am feeling much better since my last post which was to say at the very least a bit maudlin, but that's where my head was at the time. I'll try from now on to not get so lost in my own head. Life's way to short to spend it wallowing in a pool of self pity. I am going to focus on the good and deal with the bad when I have to and Only when I have to, even if it fucking kills me.

On a lighter note, I sent a suggestion to the author of one my book favorites I have listed. I hope it helps. I realy love their work and am anxiously awaiting their next book, which I realy hope will be a new unstallment in what will hopefully turn into a long, riveting series. Fingers crossed.

A New Year ?

Life is so funny. Ha ha funny and ironic funny. I have always felt out of place. Out of step with everyone around me. Even family. And I really was going to try to go into this year with a more positive outlook but it started out with more of the same. I am so tired. Mentally and physically. My mind is always racing with thoughts and idea. I dream constantly and normally my dreams are my refuge but now they're even betraying me. They are getting so weird. I feel disconnected from what's going on around and I don't know how to fit it so I escape into books. To a place where everything always works out in the end.

I don't get people but at the same time I do in way. I really believe and try everyday to treat people the way I want to be treated. It's not a hard thing to do. It come quit naturally actually. But it amazes me the lengths people will go to to make others suffer and for no apparent reason. Maybe it's to make others as unhappy as they are. Maybe it's out of unconscious cycle repeating habit stemming from the way other twisted people have treated them. Maybe it's just because some people are plan old evil. It seems to me that it would take such effort be in a perpetual state hatefulness than to be decent, UNLESS it come naturally. It's a scary thought. That some people want to set the world on fire, not because they're sick in the head, or because they are in so much pain, or because someone else is pulling the strings, but for the sheer pleasure of watching it burn.

It baffles me how people of sound mind willingly heart themselves and the ones around with their action all the while appearing seemingly unaware of what they're doing. I hear people talk about their lives and the choices they make and I don't understand how they think. I cannot image want hurt someone how posses absolutely no threat to me or mine.

The Eye of the Storm

It amazes me how things work out. It's like a song I love called He Did It For My Good. It takes about how the devil sets things in motion to cause you pain but how turns them into things that bring you joy. That's how I feel right now. There are people in my life that seem to be doing every thing to make my life as difficult as possible, whether they are unconscious of the fact the devil is using them or willing participates in his plan to fuck me over, I don't know and frankly I don't care, the end results still the same. However, recently I have gained focus and a sense of calm I have been severely lacking. The period of undeserved professional exile has energized and given me prospective of what I want and what's important to me, two things I disparately needed. I know that it sounds like I've discovered a new enlightened path or changed religions but really all I've done it get in touch with someone I had lost contact with for a long while: Me. The days of being a spectator of my own life are over. It's time to make things happen, not wait for them.

It Has Begun

I took a small step toward me new goal last night and had a lot of fun in the process. Working with women should be a positive enriching experience although my past interactions have proved to the contrary I am no the less hopeful for the future. I pray that power doesn't turn me into a backstabbing, two-face, lying, hateful, self hating insecure raging bitch like ones I have the the misfortune of working with in the past.

Things Will Get Better

I am starting to feel optimistic for the first time in a long time about my future. I think I have a great and achievable plan. Might take a while to see in come to fruition but it is in the works and I have to say that I am so excited. I my finally get to do work that I am proud of and that I'm good at while at the same time helping those who need it and I have to say that the prospect of accomplishing that feels fucking assume. It's going to be a lot of work but the thought of it makes me smile and I am loving it.

What's New

It's been a while since I posted anything. Life and all that. What's been going on with me you ask? Or better yet what's been on my mind? A whole heel of a lot. I'm really to make a big change but I don't know exactly what I want that change to be. Although I know one thing for sure. I am defiantly ready for a career move. I don't mind my job all that much actually. It's the kind of organization I work for. They talk a good game about their mission and hopes for the future but its all about not making waves, pissing people off, hurting feeling and let us not forget kissing the right ass. None of which I'm particularly good at. I want to my work to matter. I want to be apart of something that's going to leave a mark. I want that I can't wait to get to work feeling and at the end of a long day, filled with all kinds of confusions and frustrations, when I'm dead on my feet, I want a warm satisfied feeling of pride that I did my best and more importantly, I loved doing it. Now some people say that you're suppose to bring all that to work with you and I agree to a point. But what they don't say is that depending on who you working with and for, all that optimism can be sucked right out of you and you end up like the rest of the "do just a enough to get by" employees: the people who have made so many personal and professional compromises, slowly chipping away at who they were, so that alls left is a shadow, a hollow shell of the people they use to be. I refuse to end up empty, unfulfilled and so so. Maybe I want to much...... Naaaa. Wanting is what keeps you moving forward. it's the thing that feeds dreams. It's the fuel that keeps the fires of hope burning and what would a world be without hope? Hope can change to course of lives. It can change hearts and minds and best of it's completely free. So no matter what you go through, however hard it gets don't ever let anyone or thing take away your Hope.

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